I'm sure just about all of you have heard some good car-related jokes. Do you have any that are favorites or stand out in particular that you like? If so, share them.

Here are a couple of my favorites:

What comes standard with every new car sold in West Virginia?
Two block heaters.


Ralph Nader was on stage speaking to a group of people when an old Chevrolet Corvair rolled in, drove up the ramp to the stage, and stopped. Nader turned around to see who it was. At the wheel was George W , and next to him riding shotgun was John Kerry.
So....Nader turns back to the audience and says " I don't care if this car DOES get dual airbags....it will NEVER be safe ! "


(Blondes, don't be offended by this next one....just a joke)

A nice-looking blonde lost her regular job and needed work, so she thought she would try the local car dealership. She was hired in the service department, and her good looks attracted the attention of a lot of the guys, who, not surprisingly, had to scrape some of the pictures off of their lockers. She did simple stuff for a while, then she got to move up to a clutch job. As a trainee, she worked with the shop foreman. He would show her each part, then go down a checklist. Then she got to do one on her own. When she was finished, the foreman got into the car to double-check her work, started the engine, pressed the clutch pedal, and immediately there was an awful noise, followed by metal parts all over the floor. Stunned, he asked her....."Did you follow the checklist I gave you? " The poor girl, red-faced, said " Absolutely, I did. I got to the part that said ' throw out bearing ' and that's EXACTLY what I did...I threw it out ! ".

 

here's one that i came up with...
"you may have the ultimate driving machine but too bad you're not the ultimate driver!"

 

Or Chris Bangle.....the Ultimate Jiver.

 

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

'Cause if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

 

OK that one sucked

A Chicken and a Horse are playing in the field, when the Horse falls into a pit. He promptly asks the Chicken to go to the farm and get the farmer's Benz. So the Chicken gets the Benz, backs up to the pit, and the Horse grabs on as he gets pulled out. The next day, the Chicken falls into the pit. She asks the horse to go get the Benz, but the Horse says, "no need", as he swings his d--k into the pit and uses it like a rope to pull the Chicken out.

Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Benz to pick up chicks...

 

Surprised no one brought up this classic one (yes I know it's a repost)

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A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus -- and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear the price."

 

Posted this in the ClubHouse about a year and a half ago... somewhat car related.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer.

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"Where's my Rolex?"

 

Good timing, my dad emailed this to me yesterday:

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

 

Quote from a good friend, R.S. Orthopedic Surgeon regarding Jags(back when he owned them in the pre-Ford days) "Jags, you need one for the shop and one for the road"