Audi Q7 V12 TDI quattro

Jeremy Clarkson

I bring news of a worrying development. People have begun to drive much more slowly. Some will argue that this is because speed cameras are doing their job. And they probably have a point. When you have nine points on your licence you quickly discover a terror of ever going faster than 14mph. And these days almost everyone I know has nine points on their licence. And those who don’t will have by Wednesday morning.

There is, however, another reason people are slowing down. It began last year when we thought we were giving all our money to the oil companies. But it’s really caught on now it’s turned out we were actually giving it all to the banks.

When you are frightened that you will lose your job, you need to look after the pennies. And driving around at 40, rather than 70, is a good idea. Driving economically — or hypermiling as the Americans call it — will cost you a little time but save you a lot of money. Seriously. If I drive normally, it costs around £50 in fuel to get my Mercedes to London and back. If I drive carefully, it’s around £35.

Of course, if you have someone who is on nine points, and is also frightened of losing their job, you end up with a car that is travelling so slowly you would need at least seven fixed points in space to determine that it is moving at all.

And if they happen to have a Hyundai, or a Kia or one of those Rextons, which is made by a company you’ve never heard of in a country you couldn’t place on a map, then their speed will not be measurable at all.

This is because cars made by companies that earn most of their profits from shipping and cutting down forests, and have an automotive division only because it’s good for the local economy, are almost always rubbish.

No, really. A car made for someone who just yesterday was going to work on an ox will be of no use to people who were brought up on a diet of Ford Mustangs. Cars made for southeast Asia and Africa are tools. And so are the people in this country who buy them.

Whatever, the nationwide slowdown has met with a great deal of cheering from many quarters. The quarters you wouldn’t want to have round for dinner. Indeed, the comedian David Mitchell, writing recently in a newspaper you don’t take, said he welcomed it and that soon the petrolheads would just have to get used to the fact.

He’s quite wrong. The petrolheads will not get used to it. They will swear and curse and overtake the slowcoaches in dangerous places and there will be many more accidents and the only people who will benefit are transplant surgeons.

The only way you will get everyone to stick to the speed limits is by forcing them to do it. Physically, with satellite guidance. The technology is with us now. It’s operational. So all that’s missing is a government mad enough to impose the legislation. Which is why we can thank God this lot have only months to run.

I do not believe cars should be slowed down by Westminster’s expenses department. Because what’s next? Foodies being forced to become vegetarians to stop the climate changing? The Archbishop of Canterbury being forced to switch to Muslimism to stop the bloodshed? Come off it.

The eco-worms really do seem to think that if they ban smoking, force everyone to wear a high-visibility jacket and impose a blanket 40mph speed limit, no one will ever die. But we all will, of something, one day. If you get up in a morning, you must accept that your head may come off in an accident and there’s absolutely nothing you, or anyone else, can do about it.

I’m not suggesting that we all have a God-given right to drive as fast as we like. I’m not suggesting we all tear through villages, blowing the horn at peasants and running them down if they don’t move out of the way quickly enough. I am not a Toad. But I am suggesting that when you lead a busy life, it is important to get journeys over with as quickly as possible.

Eco-weeds argue that the busy life must be banned too. They think the world will be a better place if we all get up, have lunch, drive our electric Hyundai very slowly back to the office for a snooze and then go home to make wooden puzzles with our children.

Well, if they want to live like that, fine. But I don’t. I like spur-of-the-moment decisions to see friends in London and squeezing in a meeting in Pontefract at three before picking up the kids in Oxford at four. I like the buzz. I like the action. I like to think I have only one life but I’m getting three out of it. And that’s why I drive a 500 horsepower Mercedes.

And because I drive it quickly, I pay attention, and because I pay attention, I see speed cameras. And because I see them, I have time to slow down, and because of that I have a clean driving licence. And the people in eco-Hyundais, dawdling about in a dream, don’t.

There. That’s fate tempted, and now we shall move on to this morning’s car. The Audi Q7 V12 diesel.

I am no fan of the Audi Q7. It is bread-bin ugly and despite its enormous size it’s so small inside that you are faced with a simple choice. Leave the dogs at home. Or the kids. Unlike a Volvo XC90, it cannot do both. However, to worry about tedious practical issues in this particular model is like worrying about what sort of golf clubs Alan Shepard used when teeing off on the moon.

That’s because this is the first road car ever to be fitted with a V12 diesel. It produces 493 horsepowers — more than any other diesel — and 738 torques. That’s about 160 more than you get from a McLaren SLR: 738 torques is enough to restart a dead planet.

You would imagine that with such an engine lurking under the bonnet it would be impossible to drive. Nope. The herculean torque is sent quietly and with no fuss to each of the four wheels. All is consequently docile and benign. And you begin to wonder why anyone might spend more than £94,000 on such a thing when for around half as much they could have the V8 petrol version instead. It’s not like the diesel is going to elicit any thank-you letters from Johnny Polar Bear. And it’s not notably more economical either.

And then ...

It had been a busy morning. I’d written a newspaper column, dropped in at a friend’s house to shoot some magpies and then I had to get to the Top Gear test track, 90 miles away in Surrey, to shoot a Ford Focus.

Several miles out, I hooked onto the back of a motorbike. It was a Suzuki Hayabusa GSX1300R and it had such a hideous rear end that I decided I should overtake it as soon as possible. But the rider was having none of that. So off he went.

Except he didn’t. No matter what the poor chap did on that twisting, turning road, he simply could not pull out any notable lead on the big, 2½-ton diesel-powered monster. You might be thinking, if you are a motorcyclist, that the rider must have been useless — and you may have a point since it turned out to be Richard Hammond — but you are missing the point.

Even a fast bike, and few are faster than this ghastly Suzuki when ridden by a normal person or that mad-eyed Italian, cannot pull away from the Q7 diesel. And there is something deeply, gooily satisfying about that.

It is a hysterical car, this. Mad. Bonkers. Stupid. It sits on the road network like a Class-1 powerboat would sit at the Henley regatta. Of course, it is also utterly pointless. No one is going to buy a lumbering Q7 for outright speed.

However, let us not dwell on such things. Let us instead rejoice at the fact that it exists. It’s crap. But it’s brilliant too. I don’t want one. But I don’t want to live in a world where I never had the choice in the first place.

The Clarksometer


Engine 5934cc, V12
Power 493bhp @ 3750rpm
Torque 738 lb ft @ 1750rpm
Transmission Six-speed tiptronic
Fuel 25mpg (combined cycle)
C02 299g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 5.5sec
Top Speed 155mph
Price £94,255
Road tax band M (£405 a year)

Clarkson's verdict

Rubbish, yet brilliant

Whatever, the nationwide slowdown has met with a great deal of cheering from many quarters. The quarters you wouldn’t want to have round for dinner. Indeed, the comedian David Mitchell, writing recently in a newspaper you don’t take, said he welcomed it and that soon the petrolheads would just have to get used to the fact.

He’s quite wrong. The petrolheads will not get used to it. They will swear and curse and overtake the slowcoaches in dangerous places and there will be many more accidents and the only people who will benefit are transplant surgeons.

The only way you will get everyone to stick to the speed limits is by forcing them to do it. Physically, with satellite guidance. The technology is with us now. It’s operational. So all that’s missing is a government mad enough to impose the legislation. Which is why we can thank God this lot have only months to run.

I do not believe cars should be slowed down by Westminster’s expenses department. Because what’s next? Foodies being forced to become vegetarians to stop the climate changing? The Archbishop of Canterbury being forced to switch to Muslimism to stop the bloodshed? Come off it.

The eco-worms really do seem to think that if they ban smoking, force everyone to wear a high-visibility jacket and impose a blanket 40mph speed limit, no one will ever die. But we all will, of something, one day. If you get up in a morning, you must accept that your head may come off in an accident and there’s absolutely nothing you, or anyone else, can do about it.

I’m not suggesting that we all have a God-given right to drive as fast as we like. I’m not suggesting we all tear through villages, blowing the horn at peasants and running them down if they don’t move out of the way quickly enough. I am not a Toad. But I am suggesting that when you lead a busy life, it is important to get journeys over with as quickly as possible.

The RX 350 has 80 with the seats down. The GX 77 and the LX 83. Now what the hell is the point of the GX and LX


Am I missing something? How can the RX have as much space as these 3 bigger vehicles?

I'm going to bed.