Do you know what tops the Ghibli’s list of safety features? A backup camera

I’m going to begin in a place where Maserati’s designers and engineers clearly didn’t: the car’s equipment levels. Before writing this column, I devoted considerable time researching this issue (approximately nine minutes, while I was on the toilet) and I’ve reached the conclusion that Maserati equipped this car in the following way: First, they carefully examined each and every rival, to see what their competitors were offering. And then they didn’t include any of that stuff.

Massaging Seats
E-Class: Yes
Ghibli: Passenger can reach across and poke you

Panoramic Sunroof
E-Class: Yes
Ghibli: Stick your head out the normal sunroof for a panoramic effect

Lane Keeping Assistant
E-Class: Yes
Ghibli: Has steering wheel

Adaptive Cruise Control
E-Class: Yes
Ghibli: You “adapt” by hitting the car in front of you

Carbon Ceramic Brakes
E-Class: Yes
Ghibli: Er… look over there!

Power Trunk Lid
E-Class: Yes
Ghibli: Yes, if the trunk is open and the wind is blowing very hard

Now, in the past, we’ve all known that the Italians didn’t exactly offer the very best value on the market, but we’ve sort of ignored it. For instance: the Ferrari F430 didn’t have side airbags, even though the Koreans were installing them in cars that cost nine grand back when Chandler and Joey were still roommates. The old Quattroporte had a navigation system that was about as useful as asking for directions from a old blind Italian woman who didn’t speak any English. In fact, she may have been the lead engineer.