8 Types of People Who Will Miss Out Buying a Lexus
Why would anyone NOT buy a Lexus when virtually every consumer survey ranks the brand tops in customer satisfaction, quality, and reliability? We put in the hard investigative work and came up with a definitive list of reasons. Have a laugh with us as we go through the various reasons.
1. You are an Infant
Frankly, this is no excuse. If you are going to grow up to be a productive member of society, and we truly hope you are, then you're going to have to stop explaining to the world why you failed and instead focus on how to succeed. Until then, try to drop hints for your parents. Start by spitting up every time they strap you into something German—even the dimmest parents will begin to put two and two together. If your parents love you, and we're sure they do, you'll be spitting up in a Lexus in no time.
2. You don't have the funds
As all wealthy people know, wealth is relative. The most reliable strategy for getting rich is being born that way. If you weren't born with the means to pressure your parents into buying you a Lexus, you might have to resort to working. This system isn't nearly as foolproof, but hey, any port in a storm. If you have to drive to your job, and a Lexus isn't an option for you yet, we suggest getting your hands on a Toyota. It's in the family, and as any blueblood will tell you, few methods are as effective as nepotism when it comes to getting stuff like fame, fortune, and luxury automobiles.
3. You Have to Learn Things the Hard Way
Messing up really is the best way to learn. So go ahead. As mall tee shirts and Instagram feeds will tell you—poor choices make the best stories. And what better way to appreciate the finer things in life than to do without them briefly, or pay a lot of money for something you thought was wonderful only to be let down? So when you're ready to come in from the cold, sit down by the fire with us and share stories of the bad old days, when you thought Caddies were classy and infinity meant forever.
4. You're Still Salty Over All those Gold Badges on the '90s Models
Get over it dude. What hairstyle did you have back then? Did you go days without washing it to get that Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days look? Did you tell people, "My name is pronounced Rayf, not Ralf."? Did you wear JNCOs? Were the shoulder seams on your shirts closer to your elbow than your shoulder? Okay then. Regret isn't a productive emotion. We've all done things we're not proud of. Please don't keep punishing Lexus. They did the things they had to do to survive to bring you the cars you love today.
5. You Live in a City Where Cars are Impractical
Say you live in Manhattan or any other car-unfriendly metropolis; The subway is fast, and even the rich and famous ride it, so why shouldn't you? If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you jump too? Be an individual. Think for yourself. And quit being so cheap, you can still buy a Lexus. Be a jobs creator and hire a driver. If you prefer cabs, be the change you want to see in the world and insist they be Lexus taxis—this isn't the 1980s, they don't make Checker Marathons or Lincoln Town Cars anymore.
6. You Are not very confident
First of all, we'd like to extend our condolences to you on the demise of the Hummer SUV. We know, we know... you still have Lamborghini. Hear us out, we believe Lexus could be the right choice for you. We suggest starting with the classics. Obviously, paint whichever Lexus you pick the brightest yellow you can find. Then swap the exhaust system out for the loudest one available. Don't stop there. Lexus makes some wonderful tow vehicles, so you can tow your matching yellow speedboat around or even your yellow Lamborghini. What better way to show the world you are the complete package—practical, yet wild and crazy. Let the world judge you the way you were meant to be judged, by brightly-colored displays of power and taste.
7. You Are a Demolition Derby Driver
Okay, you get a pass.
8. You Can't Read and Have No Friends
Hey, it happens. We've all been there at one time or another. If you fit in this group you're the real reason we are writing this article. No one told you Lexus has led the industry in vehicle quality for the last six years. Take it from us, well, not just from us, take it from everybody: Lexus vehicles are the best. And don't feel bad, lots of people don't read anymore. As far as friends go, we have a suggestion. Lexus didn't exist when The Monkees wrote the song I'm gonna buy me a dog (because I need a friend now), but if you buy a Lexus you can drive it to the shelter and adopt a dog, your new best friend won't care if you read or not. Lexus, man's second-best friend.
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